Spray and Pray... no, it's not what you think

What does a bidet, and President Biden have in common? They both have to clean up after a**holes.

It's no secret that I have a fraught history with Bidets. When I was 12, I was in Egypt with my father in a very nice hotel. While I certainly had done my fair share of travel with my dad, I was still a bit of a bumpkin. I had certainly never seen a BIDET before. Well, this hotel had one. I of course had to mess around with it, trying to figure out what the kind of weird water fountain we were dealing with. So I go get dad, and have him come into the bathroom to show him my new discovery. I turn the knob, but this time nothing happens... hmm. Ok, interesting. I bend over it and crank the knob ALL the way to the left. Well, that time, something happened. I took a blast of icy loo liquid right to the face - it knocked me staggering back several steps and I kid you not, the stream of water hit the CEILING and was just raining down. I sprinted out of the bathroom in shock, and poor dad - arm over his face to protect his eyes (nobody wants to get a case of pink eye while in Egypt!) goes charging in to try and get it back under control. We stood there in stunned and soaked silence for a few minutes then called housekeeping for a sh*tload (pun intended) of towels to try and mop up the mayhem. This story is probably one of the top ten most commonly told "you wanna hear what a dingus Heather is?" stories of all time. And you'd think, as such, I'd have learned my Bidet lesson. Alas - clearly, no. Just prior to COVID times, for Lent, I'd decided to give up single-use plastic and start simplifying (read: stop being a total prepper) my life. This meant I started eating down my supply of things like TP, paper towels, bleach wipes, etc... yeah. I know. Well, things started getting a bit tricky by summer. The disruption to the supply chain hadn't been resolved, and for what it's worth, I don't even wear socks so it's not like I could start sacrificing THEM if I ran out of toilet paper... So I had to start coming up with alternative arrangements. I started with the entry-level bidet from Amazon - I didn't want to spend big money on it, not knowing how down with the whole thing I was going to be. So I got one for maybe $50 that seemed good enough and did what it needed to do... I mean, let's be honest, how many bells and whistles do you REALLY need for something designed to hose down your undercarriage? So the hiney hydrant arrived, and I unboxed it - it was literally a single piece, with a hose, a T junction, and a couple of washers. This should take, like, what, 15 minutes to install... what could go wrong? WELL, FOR STARTERS, it was ME installing it, so... SHOCKINGLY, something went sideways just trying to connect the new T junction... I accidentally adjusted the height of the "guts" in my toilet but didn't realize it. I finish the installation, trot down cellar to cut the water back on, stroll back upstairs... WATER IS EVERYWHERE because the guts were too high so the water return was spraying on the edge of the tank which made it SPRAY out from under the tank cover, all over and down the wall. But ofc I had no idea what the issue was and was convinced the toilet had just suddenly cracked or something! I figure that out, swear a lot, get it readjusted after two more showers, and that was all set.

So then I wanted to test it to make sure it wasn't leaking anywhere else and turned the actual bidet on... took a jet of ice cold water to the face. Duh. Didn't think that through. You'd think after doing literally the same thing in Egypt, I'd be more cautious about sticking my face over a bidet... slow learner! I mopped myself back off, put the little seat risers on... they are just little plastic ovals that stick to the rim or the seat to ensure the whole seat is level to compensate for the added height of the bidet attachment. Makes sense. That little bit of like, 3M wall hanging adhesive is totally going to hold those down. Never even gave those guys a second thought.

So then naturally, I go to give it a uh, proper test drive, and the little plastic things under the seat INSTANTLY came loose and HURLED me to the floor... Luckily, my grandparents had retrofitted the bathroom with all sorts of handicapable stuff, including a handrail right next to the toilet. I managed to grab ahold of that rail, barely managing to escape certain death. I got myself re-situated and more or less in order and gave it a little go. There are, like, ten levels of water pressure, so I figured we'd give it a shot at, like, eight and adjust from there. It felt like I'd been shot in the you-know-where, and then water started coming out of my ears and tear ducts.... I backed it back down to about a 2, turned it off, and decided to just go bed because this whole ordeal has me exhausted and totally waterlogged - inside and out! It turns out that a bidet (despite it trying to kill me) was an absolute game-changer. I'll be honest, it took a little fine-tuning to get the settings right - the "aim to the front" setting requires WAY lower water pressure, something I learned the painful way. But once I got the hang of it, I realized I'd been doing life all wrong, and I can't imagine a life without a bidet. My delicate little rosebud can't possibly go back to just dry toilet paper! So after about a year, it was time for an upgrade… having been through the ordeal of installing the first one, I knew I had this shit(pun intended) well in hand. I was wrong.

Now, the good news is, I was only a LITTLE wrong… I did have it MOSTLY sorted, thanks to the existing infrastructure. But I did forget two things. One - in my haste/excitement to get it done and get back down before the start of the second period of the game, I forgot to turn the water off to the toilet. In my mind, the water was off, you know, because the switch on the existing bidet was already off. That’s how it works! Switch on, butt is washed… Switch off, butt not washed. The switch was off. Therefore, no water was flowing. However, as soon as I disconnected the hose to the bidet, water was immediately flowing… Everywhere… All over me. Ok, fine, no problem. Nothing a quick f-word can’t fix.

I got the old guy decommissioned and the new one hooked up. Gave it a little test squirt. And for some reason, for the third time in my life, I apparently forgot how a bidet works. I turned the water on while looking directly at it and was like wait… This doesn’t look right… I should turn the pressure up to make sure it’s working correctly. And shot myself square between the running lights and knocked myself clear into the closet.

I think this will be my last bidet. Or at least the last one I will install myself. After nearly putting out an eye and having to fix the closet door after falling backward into it, I opted not to give the new apparatus a “sitting test." I’m gonna need a few more beers for that…