Another divorce blog?

"I used to think that divorce meant failure, but now I see it more as a step along the path of self-realization and growth." - Alana Stewart

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When the idea of Divorce started to feel more and more real, I googled, and I went on reddit, and I searched blogs, and self-help sites. I went to my Church. None of these places seemed to be able to meet me where I was. In my heart and my head, I wanted - and knew we could have - an amicable divorce that would in the end make us both happier and healthier and potentially allow us to maintain the part of our relationship that has always been the most important to us - our friendship. I didn't want a "dating after divorce over 40," and I didn't want advice on how to stick it to my soon-to-be-ex, or how to hide assets so my soon-to-be-ex couldn't try to stick it to me. None of that fit where we were as a couple, and certainly didn't match the tone I was trying to set for the next chapter of our relationship, or lack thereof.

This is my first (and will be my only) divorce. My parents are still married. I have no real, close to home data points. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel from one minute to the next. This is not an expert advice column. This is simply one scared, relieved, sad, hopeful woman chronicling her journey through these uncharted waters, in the hopes that it may give someone else "the sign" they've been looking for, or at least let them know they are not alone.

As I have talked about pretty publicly, I was once in a very physically abusive relationship for about four years. I stayed for as long as I did for two reasons. One, as anyone who has been there can attest, your abuser will always have the uncanny ability to strip every ounce of self-worth from you and make you feel like you are the one who is wrong. That's a tough place from which to escape. But reason two, which I'd argue was the tougher reason to overcome, was that I felt absolutely 100% alone. I didn't know of anyone who had ever been where I was. That's not to say I didn't know anyone... that just means you didn't know anyone who had admitted it! Had I known one person who'd ever been open about having been in an abusive relationship, I think I'd have been able to ask for advice and perhaps gotten out sooner.

While that situation could not be ANY further away from this one, the core principle applies... if more people would normalize talking about how goddamned hard being married is, or how sometimes it just isn't what is best for the couple, then perhaps more people would get professional help early on and/or we could remove this stigma from divorce that keeps people in these unhealthy marriages for far too long.

So why another Divorce blog? I'm hoping this one can start chipping away at this idea that Divorce is bad, or wrong, or a last resort, or something you should avoid until you're miserable and hate your partner. I can't tell you what all of these posts will look like and I can't promise the tone will be roses and sunshine all the time. Today as I write this, I feel optimistic and happy. Last Thursday, I cried the whole way home from work, and was ready to call the whole thing off. Yesterday I was irritated and just wanted everything to be finalized. I don't know from one minute to the next how I will feel or how I'm supposed to feel. So I've taken the advice given to me - feel all the feelings. My therapist is always telling me to "make space for my feelings," which like, you know, I'm a Masshole*. The only "space" we give our feelings is wherever they land when we shove them deep down inside until they give us an ulcer or something, so that's historically been quite a challenge for me. But I am trying to acknowledge that all of the various feelings I'm having are legitimate and valid. That perhaps there is no one way or right way to feel.

The good news is that despite how scary this is, we've taken this step at a time where we are able to maintain some of the most important parts of our relationship. So in a time that can feel so incredibly lonely and isolating, we still have each other. It's weird, and maybe people will think it's dysfunctional. And hell, maybe it is! But for now, it's working for us, and it's making the process a lot easier, knowing that we can still lean on each other, because even though we are ending our marriage, we are preserving what has always been most important to us: our friendship.

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*For non New Englanders, a Masshole is a derisive name given to people from Massachusetts by New Yorkers. The joke's on them - we liked it and turned it into a compliment and term of endearment.